Whether you’re looking to brighten their day or share a chuckle together, this collection of funny roasts is sure to bring smiles and giggles.
From witty one-liners to clever punchlines, these funny roasts are tailor-made for some quality family fun.
Dig in.
20 Funny Roasts For Your Cousin
1. Why does your cousin carry a map around?
Your cousin is the Forgetful Explorer. Your cousin always seems to forget where they are or what they’re doing.
Without the map, he’d wander out of the house and into the street. Or maybe he’ll just walk around in circles, alone in the basement.
- Why does my cousin carry a map around? He wanted to navigate the sofa wilderness.
- Why does my cousin carry a map around?
- Your cousin’s memory is so bad; he needs GPS to find the refrigerator.
2: Your cousin displays the worst Culinary Creativity
If your cousin’s cooking skills leave much to be desired, this roast is for him or her. Use this roast at a meal they prepared. Or while preparing said meal. Highlight the horror of eating the atrocious meal.
- Your cousin’s idea of a gourmet meal is microwave popcorn with ketchup.
- When asked to make a salad, your cousin arranged the vegetables alphabetically.
3: Your cousin is the Social Media Guru
Your cousin is obsessed with social media and constantly shares the mundane. It is this love of sharing unimportant things that earns him this label.
The worst thing is, he truly believes the world should hear what he has to say. Even if the information benefits no one.
- Your cousin posted a status update: Just had breakfast. It was cereal.
- They took a selfie at the bank with the caption: Making some serious dough.
4: Your cousin creates DIY Disasters
Your cousin’s attempts at home improvement are legendary for all the wrong reasons.
At the pace he’s going, he’ll end up collapsing the house on his family. Share some of the DIY disasters if any before going into this roast.
- Your cousin tried to fix a leaky faucet with duct tape; now it’s a fountain.
- Their idea of interior design is putting up wallpaper upside down for a “gravity-defying” look.
5: Your cousin is The Tech Troublemaker
Your cousin struggles with technology, often causing amusing chaos. And there’s no stopping him.
He consults Siri for almost any life issues, even the ones he should ask humans. At this point they need to take his phone away.
- Your cousin asked Siri for relationship advice; Siri responded with, “Try talking to a human.”
- Your cousin thought the Wi-Fi password was the key to world peace and accidentally changed it to “GivePeaceAChance123.”
6: You are dealing with your cousin’s Fashion Follies
Your cousin’s fashion sense is unconventional, to say the least. He makes outings a horrible experience because he draws attention to his outlandish dresses.
You have tried to help improve his wardrobe but he seems content with his fashion follies.
- Your cousin wore mismatched shoes and claimed it was the latest trend: “Fashion fusion!”
- They showed up to a formal event in pajamas, insisting it was a “sleep chic” look.
7: Your cousin is the Time-Traveler Wannabe
Your cousin often seems out of sync with the present day. This is your cousin who thinks he can text someone from a payphone.
He claims it’s being done in some future time or other dimension.
- Your cousin asked where they could find a payphone to text someone.
- They bought a cassette tape and asked if it was compatible with their streaming service.
8: Your cousin is a Fitness Fanatic’s Quandary
Despite their enthusiasm, your cousin’s approach to fitness is unconventional. Your cousin invented his own fitness diet and it’s been a cause for concern.
It is probably embarrassing for you and the rest of your friends any time you eat out.
- Your cousin declared they were going on a diet, then ordered a pizza with extra veggies – on top of the pepperoni.
- They tried to do yoga but ended up in a knot and claimed it was a new pose called “Twisted Pretzel.”
9: Your cousin’s Musical Misadventures are legendary
Your cousin’s attempts at musical prowess are met with interesting results. If there are any experiences, you can lead the roast with them. Then use any of the examples below.
- Your cousin played the triangle in a band and managed to hit it out of tune.
- They tried to learn the guitar but thought the strings were for hanging laundry.
10: Your cousin is responsible for Road Trip Woes
Your cousin’s navigation skills turn every road trip into a comedic adventure. Or even dangerous ones.
Every time you go on road trips, your cousin insists on driving but ends up giving you the scare of your lives. He drives fast, which is fun.
But the drive leaves your teeth chattering after.
- Your cousin insisted they had a shortcut but ended up in the neighbor’s backyard.
- They used a map upside down, claiming it was the scenic route.
11: Why did your cousin bring a ladder to the bar?
He brought a ladder because he heard the drinks were on the house! But also because he expected that his friends would get drunk and get high.
The ladder is real. It’s resting against the wall outside the bar. Your cousin wanted to come in with the ladder but the owner of the bar won’t let him.
- Last night, my cousin showed up at the pub with a ladder. I asked him why, and he said he heard the drinks were ‘on the’ house!”
- Why did your cousin bring a ladder to the bar?
He said he wanted to help anyone who gets high, down from their drunkenness.
12: What’s your cousin’s favorite type of humor?
Knock-knock jokes, because they give him a chance to show off his “who’s there” dance moves. Your cousin loves tap dancing.
He wears these really high heeled shoes with wooden heels. The shoes make the knock, knock sound on the floor boards.
- I told my cousin a knock-knock joke, and he started dancing before I could even say ‘who’s there.’
- What’s your cousin’s favorite type of humor?
Knock, knock. Because it gives him the opportunity to tap dance.
13: How does your cousin stay cool in the summer?
He sits next to the fan and thinks about his life choices. If this works, no one knows.
But what’s important is, sitting by the fan seems to have a calming effect on him. From now on leave the fan on whenever he’s moody.
- I found my cousin sitting next to the fan, contemplating life. I asked why, and he said it was his way of staying ‘cool.’
- How does your cousin stay cool in the summer?
He sits in front of the fan with a cup of kool aid, thinking about his life’s choices.
14: Why does your cousin have a pencil in his hand at the comedy show?
It is how he draws laughter. This is a play on the meaning of the word, draw. Comedians are always trying to draw laughter.
With your cousin it’s not working except he uses his pencil. But he doesn’t laugh. He’s after the laughter coming from the rest of the audience.
- I noticed my cousin with a pencil at the comedy show. I asked what it was for, and he said he wanted to ‘draw’ some laughter from the audience.
- Why does your cousin have a pencil in his hand at the comedy show?
As you can see, he’s responsible for the audience’s laughter. He draws it with his pencil.
15: What’s your cousin’s idea of a balanced diet?
A slice of pizza in each hand. This roast is significant because this cousin is overweight.
This cousin doesn’t exercise. He stuffs himself with unhealthy food all day. If this describes your cousin, this roast is a great fit.
Only use this roast if you’re sure your cousin can take the joke. Make sure he or she is positive about their body.
- I asked my cousin about his diet, and he proudly declared that he believes in a balanced diet—pizza in both hands!
- What’s your cousin’s idea of a balanced diet?
Two large sized pizzas on a weight.
16: Why did your cousin bring a mirror to the restaurant?
So he could see the chef’s special! No one knows why he has to see the chef’s special instead of simply asking. In this roast about your cousin, there’s no real reason for these things.
That’s why it’s a roast. Now the plan is to check his pocket before leaving the house to make sure a mirror is not lurking in there.
- At dinner, my cousin pulled out a mirror. When I asked why, he said he wanted to see the chef’s ‘special.’
- Why did your cousin bring a mirror to the restaurant?
He wanted to see the chef’s special without looking at the menu or asking.
17: How does your cousin organize a fantastic space party?
He milks his way through. This roast is a pun on the word milky way. It is a reference to our galaxy. Your cousin is not entirely dumb.
He knows how to use puns. Planning his space themed party doesn’t take much. He just milks his way through it.
- My cousin decided to throw a space-themed party. When I asked how he planned it, he simply said, ‘I milk my way through!’
- How does your cousin organize a fantastic space party?
It’s simple, he just milks his way through.
18: Why did your cousin bring a suitcase to the gym?
He brought the suitcase because he wanted to pack on some muscle! This is one of those times you should have called the cops on your cousin.
But you didn’t. Now the whole gym stares at the leather suitcase with the Lacoste label dangling from the handle.
Your cousin sits in the corner with this suitcase eating pizza and gaping at the dumbbells.
- I spotted my cousin with a suitcase at the gym. Curious, I asked him why, and he said he was there to ‘pack on some muscle.’
- Why did your cousin bring a suitcase to the gym?
Literally to pack some muscles.
19: How does your cousin measure success?
By the number of likes on his selfies! Especially on Facebook. He posts selfies mostly of him eating ice cream or pizza.
Surprisingly, he’s not alone in this sport. All his 500 friends seem to do the same. It’s different on Instagram where he has almost a million followers who like his posts.
- I asked my cousin about his definition of success, and he confidently said it’s all about the number of likes on his selfies.
- How does your cousin measure success?
He doesn’t measure. He just counts the likes on his Facebook post.
20: Why did your cousin try to become a baker?
He tried to become a baker because he heard it’s a great way to make dough! Somehow your cousin believes the dough in the bakery is the same as the one in his bank account.
At first you thought was about to get serious with his life.
- I found out my cousin was training to be a baker. When I asked why, he said he heard it’s a great way to ‘make dough!’
- Why did your cousin try to become a baker?
It’s all about the dough for him. Nothing much.
Final Thoughts
As we wrap up this collection of 20 funny jokes for my cousin, we hope these moments of humor have added joy and laughter to your time together.
Remember, the best gift you can give is a smile, and what better way to share it than through a good laugh with your cousin?
Whether it’s a family gathering or a casual chat, keep the humor alive and the bonds strong.
Until the next round of jokes, here’s to more laughter and cherished moments with your favorite cousin!