One thing is certain; Americans are definitely fun to roast. They’re loud, dramatic, and somehow think the world revolves around them. And we like them for it. But just because we love them doesn’t mean they don’t deserve these hands. We need to roast them like their Thanksgiving turkey they love so much.
So if you’ve got an American friend who can’t stop yelling “freedom” every time they open a soda, this post is for you. Here’s a full-course roast dinner dedicated to the US of A, with extra cheese, no metric conversions, and a side of fried ego.
The Loudest in the Room, Always
American friends don’t enter a room. They love to announce themselves. You’ll hear “YO WHAT’S UP” before you see the door open. Why are you yelling? This is brunch, not a WrestleMania intro. And don’t even try watching a movie with them. They’ll talk through it, react like it’s a live concert, and then ask you what happened right after.
Their version of being subtle is wearing a bald eagle onesie to a job interview.
Fast Food is a Food Group
Your diet is 80 percent drive-thru and 20 percent denial. Only Americans can eat a triple cheeseburger, large fries, a gallon of soda, and say “it’s my cheat day” like yesterday wasn’t a buffet too. Salad is just a suggestion. And don’t lie, you’ve called a hot dog a vegetable because it had onions on it.
Also, how is everything deep-fried? Oreos? Butter? Ice cream? You’re not cooking, you’re committing crimes against digestion.
That Accent Can Start Wars
There are 50 states and somehow 800 ways to say the word “water.” You ever hear a Boston guy say ‘car’? It sounds like the engine’s choking. And don’t get me started on the southern drawl. It’s charming until they say “bless your heart,” which we all know is just American for “you idiot.”
And the volume? Americans don’t speak. They broadcast. You’re not having a conversation. You’re surviving a soundcheck.
Fireworks, Flags, and Flexing for No Reason
Nobody loves their flag like Americans. They’ll wear it, eat off it, wave it at baseball games, and print it on swimming trunks and shirts. You ever see a Canadian wrap themselves in a flag during breakfast? Not really? Exactly.
And don’t forget the fireworks obsession. It’s like every event, birthdays, weddings, Tuesday, is an excuse to blow something up. You could hand an American a sparkler and they’ll act like it’s the finale at Coachella.
Florida is a Whole Planet
You tell your American friend you saw a squirrel and they’ll hit you with “in Florida, we got gators in our pools.” Florida is America’s wild west, but with humidity and alligators.
There’s no law there. Just vibes and headlines that sound fake but are totally real. “Man wrestles flamingo in Waffle House parking lot” is probably just another Tuesday.
Florida isn’t a state. It’s a mood swing with palm trees.
Metric System? Never Heard of Her
Americans will use Fahrenheit, inches, and miles until the sun explodes. Ask them what 100 kilometers is and they’ll say “like…a few football fields?” You could drop them in Europe and they’d measure distance by how long it takes to finish a Big Mac.
Cooking instructions that say 200 degrees Celsius? They’ll call it witchcraft. Celsius? That’s for science fiction. Y’all measure weight in pounds, pressure in vibes, and height in ‘taller than my cousin.’
Guns, Burgers, and Bald Eagles
You know someone’s American when they pull out a gun faster than they pull out their wallet. Your friend could be making pancakes and still have a Glock within arm’s reach.
Guns are like Tupperware in America. Everyone’s got some. You don’t even know where they came from, but they’re there. And burgers? You’ve turned them into architectural experiments. I saw one that was taller than my dog. Calm down. It’s lunch, not a construction site.
You Call That Football?
American football is just rugby with ego problems. They stop the game every ten seconds to hug or argue. And the halftime show? That’s the only part anyone actually watches. The rest is just men throwing a lemon-shaped ball and dancing after every five yards.
Also, why do you call it football when your foot barely touches the ball? Soccer players everywhere are offended and exhausted.
Final Shots Fired
You guys tip more than you pay taxes. You invent slangs no one understands. You think iced coffee is a personality. And somehow, you managed to turn pumpkin spice into a seasonal cult.
Still, your chaos is oddly comforting. You make everything dramatic. You live like every day’s a sitcom episode. And even though you drive on the wrong side, use weird measurements, and deep-fry your problems, we wouldn’t change you for anything.
So to all our loud, overly proud, freedom-screaming American friends, we see you. We hear you. We sometimes wish we didn’t. But we love roasting you more than you love screaming “USA” in the middle of the airport for no reason.
Stay wild.
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