Embarking on the rollercoaster of friendship can be an exhilarating journey, filled with shared laughter, unforgettable moments, and the occasional curveball.
However, not all friendships withstand the test of time, and some leave us with tales that are better suited for a comedy show than a sentimental memoir.
In this article, we delve into the world of humor, poking fun at the quirks and idiosyncrasies of ex-best friends.
So, buckle up as this one is going to be a rude roast.
Dig in.
20 Rude Roasts to Say to Your Ex Best Friend
1. Why did my ex best friend come with a ladder to our argument?
He heard it was a step up from our friendship! This roast plays on the idea of a “step up” in a relationship and humorously suggests that our argument was an improvement over our friendship.
He was never into the friendship. He won’t be missed.
- Why did my ex best friend come with a ladder to our argument?
- I guess he thought our disagreement was a way to elevate our connection
- Why did my ex best friend come with a ladder to our argument?
- He must have misunderstood and thought we were having a debate on higher ground.
2. My ex best friend is like a calendar – he changes his days every month!
This roast points out the inconsistency or fickleness of the ex best friend, likening it to the changing days on a calendar. It shows the friendship was never going to last. It was a friendship with an expiry date.
- Trying to make plans with him is like trying to predict the weather—always uncertain
- I can’t keep up with his friendship timetable; it’s like he has a monthly subscription to changing his mind.
3. Why did my ex best friend become a gardener?
Because he’s an expert at planting seeds of doubt! This roast uses a play on words to suggest that the ex best friend excels at causing uncertainty or distrust.
This ex best friend works harder than a farmer. But all he shows for it is emptiness.
- Why did my ex best friend become a gardener?
- He could win awards for cultivating suspicion in any friendship.
- Why did my ex best friend become a gardener?
- If doubt were a crop, he’d have a flourishing garden by now.
4. My ex best friend wanted to be an astronaut, but he couldn’t handle space—too much room for personal growth!
This roast twists the idea of personal growth, implying that the ex best friend couldn’t handle the vastness of self-improvement. Which is why he is being dumped.
- He said self-discovery is overrated; he prefers staying comfortably in his own orbit.
- Apparently, personal growth felt too much like floating in the void for him.
5. Why did my ex best friend join a cooking class?
He wanted to learn how to stir things up!
This roast uses the cooking metaphor to suggest that the ex best friend enjoys causing trouble or drama. Being friends with him is exhausting leaving you tired and out.
- Why did my ex best friend join a cooking class?
- He’s mastered the art of stirring up controversies, both in and out of the kitchen.
- Why did my ex best friend join a cooking class?
- Now he can whip up a gossip soufflé like a pro chef.
6. My ex best friend is like a GPS—always recalculating his route to avoid commitment!
This roast compares the ex best friend’s behavior to a GPS constantly readjusting its route, indicating a reluctance to commit to a fixed path.
You never want to have such a person as friend because you’ll always feel lost.
- Trying to make plans with him is like navigating a maze with a glitchy GPS.
- His commitment issues have turned him into the ultimate ‘recalculating’ expert.
7. Why did my ex best friend bring a pencil to our friendship?
Because he wanted to draw boundaries!
This roast cleverly uses the idea of drawing boundaries with a pencil, suggesting that the ex best friend was keen on defining limits.
It appears this is all the ex best friend ever did, drawing boundaries. Which is why the friendship never lasted.
- Why did my ex best friend bring a pencil to our friendship?
- He thought friendship needed sketchy outlines; I preferred a solid foundation.
- Why did my ex best friend bring a pencil to our friendship?
- Turns out, he’s an artist at creating distance with just a pencil stroke.”
8. My ex best friend started a landscaping business—specializing in cutting ties!
This roast takes the concept of landscaping and rudely applies it to the ex best friend’s skill in severing connections.
He will not only sever his own friendship, but he can help with breaking other people’s own too.
- He’s the go-to guy if you need your relationships pruned or trimmed.
- His landscaping business is all about shaping up your social life, one cut at a time.
9. Why did my ex best friend enroll in a dance class?
He wanted to master the art of ‘the friendship two-step!’
This roast uses the dance metaphor to rudely portray the ex best friend’s tendency to step in and out of friendships. The better he gets at the dance the words for his friendships.
- Why did my ex best friend enroll in a dance class?
- He’s got the friendship two-step down to a science—one step forward, two steps back.
- Why did my ex best friend enroll in a dance class?
- In his world, salsa dancing is just a metaphor for navigating relationships.
10. My ex best friend is like a coupon – only good for a limited time, and then he expires!
This roast draws a parallel between the short-lived value of a coupon and the temporary nature of the ex best friend’s loyalty.
He doesn’t go around with warnings about the nature of his friendship. You’d have known not to make friends with him.
- I should have checked the expiration date on our friendship coupon before redeeming it.
- He’s the kind of friend you use quickly, or he loses his validity.
11. My ex best friend tried to become a magician, but he disappeared every time things got tough!
This roast rudely suggests that the ex best friend has a tendency to vanish when faced with challenges or difficulties.
It has nothing to do with his stamina. It has everything to do with his character. He just despises responsibility.
- His disappearing act is legendary – especially when responsibilities show up.
- I guess he misunderstood ‘Abracadabra’ as ‘Run and Hide.'”
12. Why did my ex best friend bring a shovel to our friendship?
He wanted to dig up old issues!
This rude roast uses the metaphor of digging to imply that the ex best friend has a penchant for resurrecting past problems.
There’s never a peaceful moment. He has a toxic way of bringing back terrible memories.
- Why did my ex best friend bring a shovel to our friendship?
- I thought we buried the hatchet, but he brought a shovel just in case.
- Why did my ex best friend bring a shovel to our friendship?
- His idea of closure is unearthing ancient disputes for round two.”
13. My ex best friend is like a WiFi signal—strong when it suits him, but gone when you need it!
This roast rudely compares the ex best friend’s reliability to a fluctuating WiFi signal.
He is grossly unreliable. It gets worse: he is also a selfish person who only shows up when things benefit him.
- He’s the WiFi friend – full bars when it’s convenient for him, but ‘No Service’ when I need support.
- His friendship connection is as unstable as a public WiFi network.
14. My ex best friend wanted to be a chef, but he only knew how to cook up drama!
This roast plays on the culinary theme to suggest that the ex best friend excels at creating emotional turmoil.
She is a drama queen but there’s nothing charming about it. If she can’t stir up your emotions, she stir up hers and draw you into her whirlwind.
- His signature dish is ‘Stir-Fried Emotions.
- In his kitchen, drama is the main course, and gossip is the side dish.
15. Why did my ex best friend become a comedian?
He found humor in breaking friendships!
This roast uses irony to rudely suggest that the ex best friend’s comedic talent lies in dismantling relationships.
He steps back and cackles at the destruction as the relationship burns down.
- Why did my ex best friend become a comedian?
- He’s the stand-up comedian of friendship – always leaving us in splits, but not in a good way.
- Why did my ex best friend become a comedian?
- Breaking up with him felt like the punchline of his life’s comedy routine.
16. My ex best friend is like a phone with a low battery – always on the brink of shutting down!
This roast rudely likens the ex best friend’s energy or enthusiasm to a phone with low battery life.
He has no energy for anything that benefits his friendships. He lays back and expects things to work out.
- Charging his friendship requires more effort than finding a power outlet in the middle of a desert.
- He’s the human version of a phone desperately begging for a charge.
17. Why did my ex best friend start a detective agency?
He wanted to investigate why friendships end! This rude roast uses the detective theme to suggest that the ex best friend is on a mission to figure out the mysteries of failed friendships.
But he’s not going to apply the lessons to make things work in his next friendship. He’s still going to blame the other person.
- His investigations always lead to the same conclusion – it’s never his fault.
18. Why did my ex best friend become a musician?
He mastered the art of playing heartstrings –and cutting them too!
This roast combines the musical metaphor with the notion of emotional manipulation, suggesting that the ex best friend excelled in both playing and severing heartstrings.
He’ll sing over the dead body of the relationship soon enough.
- Why did my ex best friend become a musician?
- His friendship anthem was more of a breakup ballad.
- Why did my ex best friend become a musician?
- He’s a maestro at orchestrating emotional drama, complete with a grand finale of friendship chords.
19. My ex best friend decided to pursue a career in construction – specializing in building bridges to nowhere!
This roast plays on the construction theme, implying that the ex best friend’s efforts to mend fences in our friendship were ultimately futile. It is a project designed to exhaust you without end.
- He built so many bridges; I felt like I was living in a friendship infrastructure project.
- His idea of reconciliation was constructing pathways that led straight into the abyss.
20. My ex best friend wanted to be a time traveler, but he could only revisit past mistakes!
This roast rudely twists the idea of time travel to suggest that the ex best friend’s journeys into the past were solely focused on revisiting friendship blunders.
- His time machine must have been stuck on the ‘Regret and Apology’ setting
- Instead of changing history, he just kept replaying our friendship’s greatest hits, and by hits, I mean misses.
Final Thoughts
As we wrap up our journey through the “Ex-Friend Chronicles,” it’s clear that a rude roast is the best coping mechanism for navigating the complexities of past friendships.
While the tales of ex best friends may be riddled with twists, turns, and a generous sprinkle of rudeness, they also serve as reminders of the resilience and camaraderie found in our current connections.
So, here’s to embracing the angry absurdity of friendship, appreciating the ones who’ve stood the test of time, and, of course, sharing a chuckle at the expense of those ex best friends who left us with stories worthy of a comedic memoir.