There are few requests as unexpected and potentially awkward as someone asking to be adopted.
Whether it’s a friend jokingly suggesting you become their new legal guardian or a stranger on the internet seeking a new family, the “adopt me” plea can catch anyone off guard.
But fear not, for I’ve compiled a list of the best and funniest responses to these unwanted adoption requests.
“Adopt me” roasts are a type of joke that mocks the idea of adopting a child, usually ridiculously or absurdly.
They can be directed at either the person who is adopting or the child being adopted. They often rely on puns or other wordplay for their humor.
This article will explore different adopt me roasts; From witty statements to sarcastic retorts, these roasts are sure to leave even the most persistent would-be adoptees rethinking their strategy.
So whether you’re looking for a clever roast to shut down an awkward conversation or simply need a good laugh, come with me as I delve into 20 of the Best “Adopt Me” Roasts.
List of 20 of the Best “Adopt Me” Roasts
- Sure, I’ll adopt you… as my personal chaos coordinator.
- Adopt you? I can barely keep my plants alive, let alone another living being.
- You want me to adopt you? Do you come with a lifetime supply of patience and earplugs?
- Adopt you? Can you wake up at 3 am to make breakfast for me?
- Sure, I’ll adopt you… if you can beat me in a game of ‘Who Can Find the Remote the Fastest.’
- Adopt you? I’m still trying to potty train myself, so no promises.
- You want me to adopt you? Do you have 10 years of experience in combating ghosts?
- Adopt you? Can you handle being part of a household where ‘cleaning day’ is just a myth?
- Adopt you? I’m not sure if I’m ready for the responsibility of keeping another human alive.
- Sure, I’ll adopt you… if you can survive a week without Wi-Fi.
- Adopt you? Are you prepared for the daily struggle of finding matching socks?
- Adopt you? Will you acknowledge pizza as a legitimate dietary group?
- Sure, I’ll adopt you… if you’re okay with being the reigning champion of ‘Who Can Make the Biggest Mess.
- Adopt you? Can you handle the constant debate of ‘What’s for dinner?’
- Adopt you? Are you prepared for the horror that is Monday mornings without coffee?
- Sure, I’ll adopt you… if you don’t mind being the designated remote control finder.
- Adopt you? Can you handle the existential crisis that comes with running out of chocolate?
- Adopt you? Are you ready to embark on an endless search for the person responsible for my kids’ missing socks?
- Sure, I’ll adopt you… if you’re okay with being the official taste tester for questionable leftovers.
- Adopt you? Can you handle me telling you to fold sheets often?
1. Sure, I’ll adopt you… as my personal chaos coordinator.
Someone walks up to you and they say they want you to adopt them. Playfully use this psychological response to scare them away. Chaos coordinator? Even the pronunciation itself sounds chaotic.
Nobody would want that even as an adoptee so it is a creative way of saying “no ” to them.
2. Adopt you? I can barely keep my plants alive, let alone another living being.
Here is a sarcastic response to give to someone who says you should adopt them.
Saying that you can’t keep your plants alive let alone another living being might mean you don’t have the capacity to cater for an extra person or might just be a sassy way of saying “No, I’m not interested”.
3. You want me to adopt you? Do you come with a lifetime supply of patience and earplugs?
Do you wish to politely discard someone who told you to adopt them? Well, give them a sneak peek of what they should expect when they want to live with you.
Here, you have figuratively told them how intolerable you can be and it is now left to them to still stay or not.
4. Adopt you? Can you wake up at 3 am to make breakfast for me?
GenZ and feminists won’t like this. In short, they will turn to their heels when they hear something like this.
So if you want to scare them away, use this above funny roast to tease them. Wondering if they will still be persistent about you adopting them? No, they can’t. Don’t bother yourself.
5. Sure, I’ll adopt you… if you can beat me in a game of ‘Who Can Find the Remote the Fastest.
This is one of the silly roasts I have added to the lists in case the person saying you should adopt them is joking about it.
With this roast, you are matching up with their joking status to even give them a more humorous roast.
This is capable of drawing smiles from them just like I’m smiling right now as I read the roast again.
6. Adopt you? I’m still trying to potty train myself, so no promises.
You are in a “tease and give me a banging response” competition and your opponent says “Adopt me”, you wouldn’t want to disappoint your audience with a boring response right?; well, “adopt you?
I’m still trying to potty train myself, so no promises” is a hilarious statement to use as a response.
Use the above statement and watch your audience make the ” swift” “smooth” and “whoosh” reaction to your response.
7. You want me to adopt you? Do you have 10 years of experience in combating ghosts?
ugh! Spooky! Use this menacing statement to make them feel afraid: “You want me to adopt you?
How many years of ghost-fighting experience do you have?” It will be hilarious to see how they react, if they are small, after seeing a haunted house in their imaginations.
While extremely funny to watch, that can be really frightening.
Never mind, you just lost one interested adoptee.
8. Adopt you? Can you handle being part of a household where ‘cleaning day’ is just a myth?
Another funny adopt me roast you can use is “Adopt you? Can you handle being part of a household where ‘cleaning day’ is just a myth?”.
This is a very funny response to give to someone who wants you to adopt them but this is only used as a teaser and if you are truly interested in adopting them
9. Adopt you? I’m not sure if I’m ready for the responsibility of keeping another human alive.
Another best response to give to an ” adopt me” tease is “Adopt you? I’m not sure if I’m ready for the responsibility of keeping another human alive”.
It is a timely response and a very hilarious one that will make your listeners laugh and also look forward to more witty and sarcastic retorts.
10. Sure, I’ll adopt you… if you can survive a week without Wi-Fi.
This one is a suitable response for them if your would-be apprentice is a phone addict and can’t do without browsing a day. It is even better to starve them of lunch than deprive them of access to an internet connection… your phone just beeped.
Well, they just sent you a message to keep your offer to yourself. They are sorry for bothering you in the first place.
Well, do you care? No, you don’t. So no loss.
11. Adopt you? Are you prepared for the daily struggle of finding matching socks?
“Adopt you? Are you prepared for the daily struggle of finding matching socks?” is a clever and hilarious way to discard someone who tells you to adopt them.
Also, it highlights the never-ending struggle of finding matching socks, which is something that many parents can relate to. It’s saying that the person being “adopted” would have to take on this seemingly impossible task.
12. Adopt you? Will you acknowledge pizza as a legitimate dietary group?
Another funny response to give in the “Adopt Me” episode is “Adopt you? Are you willing to accept pizza as a valid food group?”.
Saying that pizza will be the only food to which they are legally entitled as adoptees is a hilarious response that is sure to make your audience laugh uncontrollably.
13. Sure, I’ll adopt you… if you’re okay with being the reigning champion of ‘Who Can Make the Biggest Mess.
Sustain the interest of your listeners with back-to-back funny responses from you. This is a great way of entertaining them and keeping all attention to you.
Asking your would-be adoptee if they are cool with participating in the ‘who can make the biggest mess” challenge is a hilarious statement to say that will elicit laughter from the audience
14. Adopt you? Can you handle the constant debate of ‘What’s for dinner?’
I don’t know about you but for me, the task of thinking about what to eat is a heinous task and sincerely if I had the resources to hire someone who would think for me, I would gladly jump on the opportunity.
Well, above is another funny retort you can give to someone who says “Adopt me” and if they are like you, sorry you don’t have an adoptee yet.
15. Adopt you? Are you prepared for the horror that is Monday mornings without coffee?
“Adopt you? Are you prepared for the horror that is Monday mornings without coffee?” is another funny retort to give to someone who says “Adopt me”.
Using a creative analogy, It’s a clever way of saying that “adopting” this particular person would be a truly awful experience!
16. Sure, I’ll adopt you… if you don’t mind being the designated remote control finder.
“Sure, I’ll adopt you… if you don’t mind being the designated remote control finder”is a classic line to say when they tell you to adopt them.
Basically, this roast is poking fun at the stereotype that kids are often asked to find the remote control when it goes missing.
It suggests that the person being “adopted” would have to take on this unenviable task.
Also a clever way of saying “Are you ready for the menial jobs as an adoptee”.
17. Adopt you? Can you handle the existential crisis that comes with running out of chocolate?
Here is a silly response to give to someone who says “Adopt me”. It is just a stupid excuse to give to them that implies you are not interested in adopting them.
18. Adopt you? Are you ready to embark on an endless search for the person responsible for my kids’ missing socks?
Another funny response to give to someone who says you should adopt them is “Adopt you? Are you prepared for the never-ending quest to find my children’s missing sock culprit?”.
It implies that finding the missing sock culprit would be a selfless task for the person being “adopted.”
It is a humorous method of drawing attention to the fact that children consistently misplace their socks, necessitating constant search efforts.
19. Sure, I’ll adopt you… if you’re okay with being the official taste tester for questionable leftovers.
“Sure, I’ll adopt you… if you’re okay with being the official taste tester for questionable leftovers” is another silly tease to give to someone who says adopt me.
It is basically saying that the person being “adopted” would have to be willing to eat the leftover food that nobody else wants.
It’s poking fun at the fact that leftovers can sometimes be unappetizing, and someone always has to eat them.
20. Adopt you? Can you handle me telling you to fold sheets often?
Another way to creatively send someone who wants you to adopt them away is to tell them they will be in charge of folding bed sheets often which is a tedious and sometimes frustrating task.
It’s highlighting the fact that “adoption” would come with certain chores and responsibilities, and the person being “adopted” would have to be willing to do them.