20 Funny Roasts for Hockey Players

Funny Roasts for Hockey Players

Are you looking for trash talks and punchlines to unnerve a hockey player, especially one of the opponent team? 

Hockey chirps — that’s what we call it in the game. And I’ve heard a lot in the times I’ve spent in different arenas. 

In most cases, the best roast lines aren’t necessarily the ones that attack the player’s skills. 

From Philadelphia fans chanting, “She said no,” to Patrick Kane when he was on the ice to hear, “Canada sucks so much even the geese leave” at a Flyers game against the Jets, we’ve seen it all. 

But for you, you want something unique. And that’s where this article comes in. 

I’ve gathered some of the best roast lines you can use for a hockey player on the ice. 

List of The Best 20 Roasts to Tell a Hockey Player

If you’re looking for the best clean chirp to yell at an arena or to diss a hockey player simply, here are some you can try: 

1. Your team’s mascot looks sad because of you. 

Funny Roasts for Hockey Players

“Your team’s mascot looks sad because of you” is a cunny way to tell a hockey player that he’s not performing well. This makes it a fantastic roast punchline

When a player becomes the reason behind the team’s mascot’s sad face, it simply means he’s the rotten egg of the team and should have stayed on the bench. 

This is a solid roast you can use to destabilize the morale of any hockey player. You can even say it in various ways, such as: 

  • Even your team mascot is unhappy with the way you play
  • You could have been kept on the bench. 

2. The only thing you’re shooting is your team’s chance to win

Another way you can diss a hockey player to a state of hopelessness is to tell them, “The only thing you’re shooting is your team’s chance to win.”

I love this particular one because it ridicules the hockey player look as though all their effort to help their team is doing the opposite. 

If you’re looking for a classic line to discourage a hockey player, this does the job perfectly. 

  • Your team is trying, but you’re the one spoiling the work
  • Your team should have you to blame for this poor performance

3. There are no stars on your team; why’s there one on your sweater?

The first time I heard this hockey chirp was when some people in an arena were lashing a Columbus fan. 

And if the team hockey player has a star on their uniform, it will make a lot of sense to use this roast punchline. You can even say it in different ways: 

  • If there are no stars on your team, why wear one on your sweater?
  • Why sport a star on your shirt if your team doesn’t have any?

4. The five-hole isn’t the only hole he’s always missing

“The five hole isn’t the only hole he’s always missing” is a nasty roast punchline that works for any hockey player.

If you have any man in your life who plays hockey and you want to roast him, this punchline works so well.

But sometimes, it may not have the effect you expect, so your delivery is essential. You can say this same line in different ways: 

  • He’s not just missing the five holes; he’s missing other holes, too.
  • Missing the five-hole isn’t his only problem; he’s missing other holes as well.


5. I’ve seen coupons save more

Another sassy way you can roast a hockey player to a state of helplessness is to tell them, “I’ve seen coupons save more.” This roast will work well for a goalie. 

It means that they are so bad at saving that you could even trust a coupon to save rather than rely on their skills.  

  • You say you’re a hockey player, but coupons save more than you do.
  • You claim to be a hockey player, yet coupons can save more than your players.

6. Grow some shoulders, ya trout!

You can tell a hockey player, “ Grow some shoulders, ya trout!” It is a perfect way to roast them significantly when they are underperforming. 

I went to watch a Victoria Cougars game, which is like a junior B level. Some fans were teasing the referees. 

Then, when the game paused, one person from the crowd stood up and shouted, “Get some shoulders, you fish!” 

Everyone in the arena heard it and started laughing. 

So, I believe it is one line that you can never go wrong with. 

  • Hey, trout, bulk up those shoulders

7. Hockey? I think you mean croquet


One of the sharpest ways you can roast a hockey player is to question their relevance in the sport. With this in mind, “Hockey? I think you mean croquet” sounds like a perfect punchline for roasting a hockey player. 


This is undoubtedly a rhetorical question, but without needing to explain, the person would know what you’re implying. 

  • Are you sure you’re playing hockey? It sounds more like croquet to me!
  • Hockey? It sounds more like a croquet with those moves!

8. Hey, you suck at hockey.

Sometimes, the simplest ones hurt the most. So instead of thinking of one complex, creative zinger to roast a hockey fan, simply tell them, “Hey, you suck at hockey.” You’d be surprised at how this can hurt them. 

Remember, how you say these words matter. A structure like “You’re not doing well at hockey” may not really bring the roasting trophy home. 

9. Hands like a baby elephant

“Hands like a baby elephant” is a famous phrase people use to roast hockey players, and you can use this hockey chirp as well. 


It mainly applies to your situation if you’re a hockey player yourself and you need a chirp to tell an opponent on the ice during gameplay. 

But remember, there are other ways to say it, such as: 

  • Hands are as clumsy as a baby elephant’s.

10. I’ve seen better hands on a digital clock!

Another way you can effortlessly roast a hockey fan is to tell them, “I’ve seen better hands on a digital clock!” 

I like this one because you are directly comparing their hands and saying it doesn’t do as good as the hands of the wall clock. 

You’re not only berating them but also discouraging any motivation that’s left of them. 

  • I’ve seen clocks with better hands!
  • Even a clock has better hands than you!

11. Does your mom go down that easy?

Buck down in the game of hockey means the shot that hits the bottom of the crossbar and goes right down into the net.

If this happens during the game, you can quickly say, “Does your mom go down that easy?” 

It’s a nasty punchline, but it does the job of irking them. 

12. Heyy 11, they spelled your name wrong 

I have heard this one countless times, and I think it’s just one of the many other popular chirps that players tell each other on the ice to distract them from the game.

It’s a silly roast that can make the person do a double-take. 

Sometimes, you don’t have to trash talk about a player’s game before you roast them badly. Simply telling them a lie, in a mockery way, might be all you need to get them distracted. 

13. I’m going to zam boner your girlfriend

“I’m gonna zamboner your girlfriend” is another roast that works perfectly well on a hockey player. 

Urban Dictionary describes a Zamboner as when you win a contest to ride on a Zamboni at a hockey game.

People get excited about this either due to the thrill or due to the sight of hot girls skating around. 

So you can see how it all comes together as a perfect roast when you tell a hockey player that you’re going to zomboner his girlfriend.

14. Hey, 11, your ankles get more ice time than you do.

Another way you can ridicule a hockey player with words is to compare how long they play on ice to how long their ankle gets ice. 

It’s another funny way to say they are inexperienced and novices at the sport. 

You can replace “11” with the number on their shirt. 

The goal is to make them feel roasted. 

15. Hey, where’d you play before this…? Just kidding, I don’t give a shit

“Hey, where’d you play before this…? Just kidding, I don’t give a shit” is another sassy way you can roast a hockey player because when you first ask the question, it will seem as though you’re impressed at their game and want to know where they’ve played. 

This will naturally elicit interest from them, only to be cut short as you are snappy and say, “Just kidding, I don’t give a shit,” which will clearly show that you see them as insignificant.

  • Where were you before this? Actually, scratch that; I doubt it matters anyway.

16. You couldn’t even save a document on Microsoft Word

“You couldn’t even save a document on Microsoft Word” is a perfect roast punchline you can tell a goalie in hockey.

It is a super humorous yet annoying way to tell someone that they lack saving skills to prevent conceding to the opponent. 

Once you say a line like this, you can expect the crowd to laugh at it while giving you the street cred you deserve. 

17. Next time, bring your dad, and I’ll kick his ass too

As if it’s not painful enough to bead someone’s hands down in hockey, another critical way you want to roast them is by bringing their parents into the talk, which I’m sure nobody would like to be done to them. 

It’s also a strong and positive way to assert confidence in yourself and make them feel inferior. 

18. You’re only supposed to dive in liquid water, you know

In hockey, players are expected to stay on their feet and skate on the ice. 

Diving, as in falling or deliberately throwing yourself onto the ice, isn’t part of the game. 

So, when someone says this roast, they’re basically saying you’re not playing the game right and implying that diving belongs in swimming, not hockey. 

19. Well, in my experience, trout don’t have much in the way of shoulders

This means that trout, which are fish, don’t have prominent shoulders like humans or animals with shoulders do. 

It’s a symbolic way of saying that the person doesn’t seem to have the physical attributes typically associated with playing hockey, like solid shoulders.

This might embarrass or frustrate them because you’re implying they might not be telling the truth about being a hockey player. 

20. I’d talk trash, but your fans would just throw it on the ice.

I’ve also heard this line many times in an arena yelled out by the fan. And it sounds like one that will go well for hockey players on the ice. 

What Punchline That Worked For Me

I’ve heard and personally tried many roast lines for different hockey players, which have been successful. But there is one that sticks with me forever. 

I remember one time during Christmas, our team was winning against another team by a lot, like 7-0. 

They got furious and started playing dirty. Even their goalie got frustrated and started doing dirty things, like grabbing me by my jersey and hitting me below the belt. 

I was sitting on the bench when he let in another goal. 

So, I shouted, “Hey, goalie! Maybe ask Santa for some saves this Christmas!” 

Then he got furious and ran towards our bench, which led to a donnybrook. It was wild but also kind of fun.

So, sometimes, how you say the roast punchline is as important as the line itself. 

I hope you found this helpful. 


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